May this be of help and guidance on your journey.
EMPTY, LOST & GUILTY
July 2013 - I was on a 3 week trip in Montreal having a very hard time being away from my 7 yr old daughter; she was upset at me for "leaving her", in a way I had never seen her before...
she wouldn't even talk to me when I called.
It hurt in a way I cannot even explain.
Trying to fix the situation I thought of changing my ticket to return sooner but the fee was ridiculous... I could not afford it at the time, so I stayed, having no other option but to sit with my emotions and face the tremendous guilt that was consuming me.
I believe that's exactly the way things had to go for me to finally pay attention to what was happening inside of me.
Two weeks in, I went to sleep in despair with a hole in my soul. The moment I opened my eyes the next morning, this book was on the table next to me. I had no idea how it made it there, but I knew it was a sign.
I got ready and headed out to the park with the only intention to read. I spent hours there devouring the book.
It was the very first time I read Osho and I must warn you; his teachings are not for everyone. It will trigger the f*ck out of you but if you remain open, they really have the power to shift something within you.
This book was exactly what I needed at the moment. A powerful exploration of the freedom that comes from embracing my true self (which was part of what had led me to that trip). It awakened a spiritual part of me that had felt like a void for many, many years. It was a guide to discovering a deeper sense of self love, awareness and inner strength beyond what I knew.
It was for me, in a single sentence, the gate to self-liberation.
Every birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day I'd get amazing (and expensive) gifts from him... he waited to see my reaction every time but there was never really any excitement from my part which I'm sure, over time, kind of broke his heart.
I felt bad because he had really put some effort (and money) there, but I just couldn't fake it.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be more grateful and excited?
But the truth is, a gift was the last thing I wanted.
I wanted hugs, and cuddles and laughter and silly moments and adventures.
It wasn't until I read this book that it dawned on me!
For 15 years we had been expressing our love in our own preferred love languages which didn't necessarily mean that's what made the other person feel loved.
Through this book, I found out that out of the 5 love languages, "gifts" is my least predominant one while all other 4 are pretty even... that's why I didn't feel loved in the way I wanted to.
He's an amazing man and always did his best to provide and give me everything he could and the best of everything (material) but what I actually needed to really feel loved, was more affection, quality time, words of affirmation and/or acts of service.
And all he needed was a cool gift which I never cared to give!
Ouch.
The first nice gift I got for him was when I understood this...
A year after we had split.
Go figure.
I don't think this by itself would have saved our relationship, but it would have, for sure, made it much more loving and conscious of each other's needs.